This is #21 in a series of essays on aging.
The stereotype of the peaceful, patient grandparent is strong. Almost equally strong is older people’s determination not to submit to the part.
It’s not that we don’t appreciate peaceful, patient grandparents. To become one, however, feels like premature surrender. Our ambition is to be potent and lively and fun. We aim to keep skiing, keep dancing, keep laughing. Peace and patience seem far from that.
No question that we undergo a shift. We have more time, for one thing. Retired people complain that they are busier than ever, but the truth is that most have time to burn. True, stuff takes longer. We don’t have the energy we had; we take more breaks. Also true, lots of aging people take on big responsibilities for childcare or elder care. That is exhausting. But compared to the days of demanding fulltime jobs, of ferrying kids to games and practices, of cooking family meals and fixing the plumbing—not to mention remodeling the kitchen—we have time to read, to listen to music, to watch TV, to talk on the telephone. We make ourselves busy because we can.
The peace we gain is more uncertain. Anxiety often increases over time, and lots of older people fret and lose sleep over worries they can’t help. Sometimes the peaceful, patient grandparent is an act, disguising an anxious, critical inner voice or a sense of dread.
If, however, we take up our opportunities to gain wisdom, then peacefulness is a natural by-product. When you’ve seen a lot of life, and learned from it, you have a solid grasp of how to handle difficulties (quarrels, unexpected problems, disappointments). Worries take a lower profile. Panic doesn’t happen. The psalmist’s admonition to “number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom,” is a recipe for peace. Wise people are normally at peace.
If you think of it this way, it’s not so bad to become the peaceful, patient grandparent. And it’s not surrender.
Tags: time
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